Right Wing Political Curtain? Who Needs It?

My partner in “Reality News,” Bob Jewell, handed me an opinion article from the March 13th “The Daily News,” a publication based in West Bend, Wis. He prefaced his gift by saying, “Here’s someone that needs to meet you.” And guess what. He was right.

So I read the article. The article, “Peeking behind the right-wing political curtain,” made me aware of something I have not been clued into - we have a Wizard right here in Washington County. Yes, the one and only UW-Washington County Philosophy Professor Mark Peterson. What insights this man - no, Wizard - has brought down to the ignorant masses. He has figured out that the Koch Brothers, Charles and David, are funding right-wing groups and organizations. WOW! You know, angry radical groups like Americans for Prosperity (AFP), The Heritage Foundation, Cato Institute, Freedomworks PAC, you get the idea. You know, all those groups spreading the infectious philosophy of constitutional government, individual liberty, reducing the size of government, tax reduction, accountability of politicians and public sector employees. The bad people like the ones that formed the group “Common Sense Citizens of Washington County” which he attempts to bash repeatedly in his article. We’ll get into just how bad these “Common Sense” people are according to The Wizard (as I will refer to Mr. Peterson from now on) a bit later.

But first we must learn what The Wizard uncovered about these two bad boys, the Koch Brothers, Charles and David. The Wizard has uncovered their deepest and darkest secrets, listing their high crimes against society and mankind in the fourth paragraph of his article which include:

~ Tied for being the 19th richest men in the world (Forbes list)

~ Own America’s second largest private corporation employing 70,000 people

~ They are responsible for these product lines: Northern (bathroom tissue), Brawny (paper towels), Dixie Cups, Lycra, Stainmaster Carpets, and Teflon

~ Here’s the big one: “They are a major producer, refiner, and transporter of petroleum and petroleum based products.”

So let’s take inventory of their rap sheet: Successful Businessmen employing lots of people making products people want. They sure sound like Capitalists to me.

So we see that The Wizard has uncovered more dirty Capitalists engaged in free speech. When is this EVER going to end?

What else has The Wizard uncovered? David Koch began AFP in 1984 as “Citizens for a Sound Economy” but changed the name in 2003. AFP President Tim Phillips worked on George Bush’s campaign in South Carolina (oh boy!). He found out that “AFP has only 8000 members” - wait - that can’t be right. AFP’s Wisconsin Chapter has over 52,000 members alone, and nationally several hundreds of thousands. Apparently The Wizard has a mathematical deficiency - common among such elite types - or just didn’t need to worry about such minutia. But remember, The Wizard is a philosophy professor at UW-Washington County and therefore should never be questioned, even if he gets things a bit wrong once in a while.

So let’s go back to those people from “Common Sense Citizens of Washington County.” What dastardly deeds has The Wizard uncovered about these vile folk? Well, first off The Wizard uncovered the deeply held secret that this group associates with AFP. What more need do we have for witnesses? But there’s more. Believe it or not, two “creationist” candidates for school board are part of this group! It’s hard to believe that anyone still holds onto the idea that the world was created by God and didn’t evolve spontaneously from nothing. These people might be influencing your child’s education! And still yet, these folks at “Common Sense” embrace “anti-tax, antigovernment, anti-regulation sentiments.” The shame of it. Can’t these people just go away?

What do the students who are so privileged to take a class taught by The Wizard say?

These comments were found on UW-Washington County’s Rate My Professor page:

Mark is one of those old hippy type of guys. he hates on a great president (bush) and lets it be known. not a very good teacher overall. he IS willing to help if you ask for it though. i gave mark a D-. wouldn’t be surprised if he posted his own good rating. if you are a hippy or democrat, you will love him. Here’s an example of a professor who doesn’t give a crap about his class or preparing for it

Ungrateful unsophisticated little brats! They are blind to the brilliance of the nuanced insight only The Wizard has uncovered through his unique journey through the infinite. Can’t they appreciate how hard it is to obtain an M.A. and Ph.D. from the University of Toronto, that premier city of Great Social(istic) Thought?

The Wizard begins the closing arguments of his masterful piece with this statement:

“The increasing anger that’s characterized so much of the last few years - some of which we have seen in recent letters to the editor - is being manufactured, nourished and sustained by billionaires with a financial stake in preventing any movement for political or economic change.”

He’s done it! The curtain is back! Look! Someone with wealth is trying to prevent America from becoming a socialist dictatorship! How could this happen?

The Wizard sums it up perfectly as only he can: “hobgoblins disappear when you turn on the lights - and wake up.”

Huh? What just happened? Did I nod off? What? I was under the spell of The Wizard? The guy from UW-Washington County that exposed the financial backers for the right-wingers? Here’s news for The Wizard: We are eternally grateful to the Koch Brothers and all that they do to promote free markets and individual liberty. We salute these Titans of industry that understand human freedom is the only ingredient required for prosperity and necessary for product innovation. Trough-feeders like The Wizard and other public sector stooges can’t imagine how anything can happen without the troughfiller coming around to fill the trough with more slop. They never EVER ask themselves where the slop comes from or who makes it.

As a favor to the Wizard, who obviously took so much time researching his facts (were there any?) for his piece, I am directing you all to the greenpeace.org website where you can look up Koch Industries and see ALL of the groups that Koch has funded and how much each received. Thank you, Greenpeace, for this nice compilation of our hero’s accomplishments. Greenpeace calls this rant “Koch Industries Secretly Funding the Climate Denial Machine.” Sorry guys, but I’m afraid this funding tree has never been secret. What apparently is secret to Greenpeace is that carbon dioxide is essential for plant life and has been proven to have no significant impact on the Earth’s climate system.

Let us give our full appreciation to the efforts of the Koch Brothers. They deserve our thanks for providing the resources for keeping the likes of The Wizard, Greenpeace and other Leftist from destroying America, the last, best hope for liberty in the World.